(...blah blah blog)

MONOLOGUE JOKES


A rock discovered in the Australian Outback has been carbon dated by scientists and found to be the oldest ever discovered, older even than Earth itself. It beat the last record for oldest rock, which was held by one of John McCain's kidney stones.

The Powerball lottery is at an all time record with the winner set to receive 1.3 billion dollars. With that amount, the lucky winner could buy an island, maybe purchase a small country, or even make a down payment on a 900 square foot two bedroom apartment in Manhattan.

Mexican drug kingpin El Chapo was captured recently after meeting with actor Sean Penn about doing a potential movie together. Penn says now that El Chapo is locked up he has decided to drop the film, and instead focus on his next project, not getting murdered by El Chapo.

A former New York City jail inmate was awarded $750,000 in a court settlement after being given the wrong medication while in prison. The inmate suffered an erection lasting six days, causing permanent physical damage. The judge granted the man 500 thousand for the mistake and 250 thousand for being an American hero.

Scientists say we are closer than ever to having life like and functional sex robots and expect to have initial models out soon. The male version will be called "Johnny 6 and half" and the female "R2-D Cups."

North Korea claims that recent seismic activity in the region is a result of a detonated nuclear weapon. When asked about what the news of having nuclear capabilities may mean for them as a nation North Korean citizens said “Please give me food. I am hungry.”

A CIA operative on President Obama’s security detail was recently found asleep on the job. When Congress asked him why this happened the operative reportedly said (dramatically)  “I learned it from you. I. Learned. It. From. You.”  

An Arizona town is auctioning off the chance to taze local politicians in an effort to raise funds for charity. Literally you can taze the Mayor just by making a donation. The politicians stated they aren’t worried because they “haven’t felt anything in years.”

Whole foods is rolling out new, smaller, market style stores this year in an attempt to fight falling profits from the last 4 quarters. It seems they cannot make ends meet by simply selling lettuce for the price of blood diamonds.

President Obama, as part of his commitment to review the justice system, has commuted 95 prison sentences in the last 3 months alone. Don't worry, regular citizens, none of the prisoners released were bankers, or friends of his favorite senators or anything shady like that. (laughs) Those people never go to prison in the first place.


A British man had to be rescued by police after being stuck in a urinal over the weekend. When asked about the incident the man said the urinal wasn't even his number one choice...it was number two.

A Missouri Senator has introduced a bill that requires all US legislators to report any sexual contact with lobbyists as an official gift on their ledgers. Said American citizens, "Can we report this too? Cause we've been gettin’ screwed by both these groups for YEARS."

Glenn Beck has reportedly quit the Republican Party and claims to be taking a break from commenting on the elections to focus on causes more dear to him, such as persecuted Christians in foreign countries. This news has created quite an issue for his many atheist critics, as Glenn Beck being silent on politics is the only thing they have ever prayed for.

A new law in Texas would make it legal to have guns in the psych ward of hospitals. Not to worry though, the whole thing is actually a test. See, they put this law before the legislature, and whoever votes yes is actually then admitted to the psych ward.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump plans to hold a rally in Burlington, VT this week, the hometown of Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders and known as the most liberal city in America. The people of Burlington are VERY upset by this news and apparently are planning to protest the rally and (hippie voice) "like tell him the things he says aren't cool, man."

A young couple recently got engaged at a Walmart to cheering onlookers. They proceeded to Spencer's gifts where they stole various sex toys, edible lingerie, and other similar items. The blissful night ended when apprehended by police at a Taco Bell.  So let's recap: Walmart, Spencer’s, Taco Bell, jail. Look, judge them if you want but I believe in love and refuse to mock their happiness.

Pennsylvania will soon vote on whether or not to legalize medical marijuana. Political experts predict it will win in a landslide, making it the 24th state to legalize the plant for medicinal use. The other 26 states should just chill bro like, grow up we're in college now.

A Stanford tech company has created an app that will act as a Yelp for people. Users can rate friends, enemies, or loved ones and write anonymous reviews that other users can read. The inventors say they're honored to be on the forefront, the very cutting edge, of the decay of human society.

A mother in Great Britain could be jailed for breaking truancy laws after allowing her son to miss school after the boy’s father died. The mother says the boy was afflicted with depression and she couldn't afford therapy. The prosecutor on the case, The Dark Lord Satan, has yet to comment.

Follow Your Dreams, Pussy 

​Life is a fleeting dance set to a song played by God. Or something like that. The point is it doesn't last forever. As many important people, such as internet writers, priests, teachers, and actors who play these people on movies have taught us, in order to fight the oppressive state of existence, we should all "chase our dreams."

But in our current age of cynicism and economic uncertainty, many of you are probably rolling your eyes at that statement. Stop. You are an adult and eye rolling won't be tolerated.
The time has come for dream-chasing to be en vogue again. We can be what we want to be. I promise. So here are the top five reasons you should get off your ass and chase those dreams: 

1) Peanut butter is delicious.

One good thing about chasing dreams is that relative poverty makes peanut butter both a necessity and an luxury. This delicious paradox goes well with honey, jelly, syrup, mashed up bananas, and sugar substitute packets stolen from the coffee station at work.

Always go with crunchy. It is tastier and feels heartier. When you're really hungry any food item that "feels" heartier tricks you into thinking you're doing OK for a little longer. Mmm, peanut butter. I'm gonna have some Friday when I get paid. Or maybe just get some on my credit card again. 


2) You get tougher. 

Chasing dreams means hearing "no" over and over and over again. And again. While this repetitive rejection weighs on you like the judgment from the entire world that it in fact is, take heart. As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Remember though, the key is to make sure the constant feeling of inadequacy doesn't actually kill you, because if it does, then that cliche is both sad and useless - just like you feel most of the time. So don't die. Hold out, and you you'll be tougher than your former college classmates who have security, money, and food. Those things make you weak.

3) Without health insurance you simply no longer get sick.


This is an underrated and amazing fact about chasing dreams. It is very important you learn this early on in dream chasing. When you don't have insurance, or have insurance so bad that medical office receptionists with GEDs making $10 an hour laugh at you when you hand them your insurance card, you stop getting sick. I swear. It's awesome. You'll know in your heart that your fever, inability to sleep, and the green stuff coming out of your nose mean that you are very ill. But as you reflect on your bank account and life decisions, you will realize that actually, you are totally fine. Seriously. You just need some rest. It'll pass. If you are married, your partner is also totally fine. Totally. Fine. 

4) Survival IS THE DREAM in some places.

It may sound like a hollow cliche, but you really should remember that in many parts of the world, simply having food on a regular basis is the only dream some folks have time to think about. That means almost nothing to you when everything you believe in was just shat on by an internet commentator with an iPad and a regretful, hateful soul. But in times of reflection, remember that as long as you can eat, you have time to dream. And if you can't eat, then you have even MORE time to dream because you're not wasting it on food. 

5) It is not as bad as other jobs. 

While there are many many, many (like seriously a whole lot) extremely hard obstacles to overcome while chasing your dreams (there are about a million and they are soul-crushing), they pale in comparison to permanently chasing the alternatives.

Manual labor is noble, but in the end all you get is muscle tone and a pension you can't live off of. On the other hand, the lonely existence of the corporate experience is a maddeningly horrifying exercise in repeating metaphysical crises. It erodes daily anything inside a person worth being or having. It does this to the point that there is no staring into the abyss, as the abyss is all encompassing. The abyss is you  and you are the abyss- a complete and total void.  

The corporate ladder leads to a hell that reveals you to be the pussy you have always been afraid that you are. Can you stomach another team building exercise, fumble through talks about how "nice" your Saturday was, or even attend, much less pretend to be mentally prescient for, another fucking meeting about nothing where the boss opens up the floor for questions at the end and somehow, amazingly, unFATHOMably Janice ALWAYS fucking has a goddamn question? Because she was "just wondering" and needs constant stimulus and the silence was making her itch! And then there is David. He just wants to let everyone know for the fifteen millionth fucking time some USELESS piece of information that BARELY serves to give him the validation he is not getting at home so that he makes it through one more day at the existential hell hole that is "work." He WILL have a drink OR two when he gets home because he is an adult by God, and he is his own man. 

And this is not their faults. They are, in a vacuum, amazing wonderful and passionate people. But they have been shaped, bent, chiseled, crushed, destroyed and reshaped by "the job" into entities I cannot bring myself to call robots, because I respect robots. But the point is, those jobs suck.

Of course, chasing dreams you'll still have to swallow the shit sandwich that is the work force and have one or maybe two of these jobs, anyway. And all your co-workers will bristle and condescend at you like a bird in a nest making fun of a squirrel for not being able to fly when they find out about your "little hobby."  But, unlike them, at least you can convince yourself there is light at the end of the poop filled and suffocating tunnel. Plus saying "I'm an artist" as pretentiously as possible feels fucking great. Try it. Say it to that bitch in accounting you hate. 

CHASE YOUR FUCKING DREAMS. There is no reason not to. Not even for one second. Because whatever anguish it causes you, you have to remember that all the alternatives are literal hell. 

Chase those dreams baby!

Unless you have kids - ya'll gotta do your duty and provide for them or whatever. But you'll have joy and laughter in your lives. 

Social Media: the Gaza crisis

Bartender Will Watson says he is feeling distraught about the world of late because of the Gaza conflict. The newly arisen crisis in Ferguson,  Missouri is not helping his outlook.

"It's pretty bleak, really. The whole thing. Every day it seems like it's something new."

Watson, like many others throughout the world, is fed up.

"It's infuriating. I get on Facebook  thinking 'ok, let's check out some cat videos and pictures of brunch' and every time, it's more posts about sh*t I don't know about. I'm starting to lose hope my wall will ever be normal again. "

The new crisis in Ferguson, MO, centered around the death of "some kid," is not helping, he says.
"I think the Gaza thing was really starting to fade and things were gonna get better. But then that kid died or whatever," he said. "Hashtag ugh."

Katie Marst, a junior at Oklahoma St., echoes the same sentiment.

"Yeah I'm over it," she says. "My Instagram is for like, living your life to the fullest.  Not tragedy, ya know?"

Living her life on social media is something Ms. Marst is quite adept at, as she is social media chair for her sorority."We have hashtag parties for charity, and I help girls use the best filters, and set up fake accounts to keep tabs on boys. Things like that. "

Tasks, she says, that have been completely interfered with now that so many people are sharing videos and pictures regarding the two social issues, debating politics on an open forum, and organizing events.


Since the Gaza conflict began anew, "stand with Israel" and "stand with Palestine" hashtags and videos have been on the rise on social media, as users everywhere are utilizing the platform for more political means. Facebook alone has had millions of Gaza related "shares," where users post content to their own wall.

The shooting of an unarmed teen, Michael brown, has also created trends. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and other various forms of social media have been used not only as a way of drumming up support, but also as a means to organize and cover the events in a way the mainstream media outlets have not been able.

"It's absolutely horrible," Marst says. "They started doing like 'Palestine stands with Ferguson' selfies, but they weren't even cute. "

Mr. Watson agrees. "It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me," he offered. When asked if he meant Gaza or the death of Michael brown, he asked, "Who is that?"

Both Watson and Marst insist they will not  stop using the various social media they are accustomed to, and both hold out hope things will go back to normal. "I feel like my life is a little ruined. I made a joke about killing myself if it doesn't get better, but all these people got mad because that weird dude from the Disney movie died," Marst complained.

For his part, Mr. Watson is skeptical of online politics. "I don't  think people care about it really. They just want attention," he said.

"Hey, do you think chicks would respond more to this pic of me shirtless at the beach or a status about how hard it is being a single dude with a good heart or whatever?"

---

Comedy in NYC 





When I left Knoxville, Tennessee for NYC to do comedy, I was terrified. And also so absolutely thrilled that I could hardly sit down. I still feel that way exactly. 




At that time, I'd been doing comedy for almost three years. I'd been getting paid (not much) pretty regularly to do comedy for about a year. I had hosted at a professional club for eight months and had a couple of dozen independent feature or headlining gigs that paid under my belt. And that was it.




I was not naive. I knew that in leaving my small (but wildly talented) pond, I was taking a huge leap. I knew that where I was going the audiences and more importantly the other comics were tough. And I honestly knew that I wasn't good enough. Not yet - not even close. I had Redman's brilliant "I'll be dat" hook playing in my head and I was certain my first name was "He ain't shit." Because I wasn't shit. 




So, my problem when I got to New York was not that I thought I was something special. I knew that I wasn't. My problem was not that I simply expected things to happen for me here. I knew better and I was ready to work. My problem - the problem my ego, psyche, wife, heart, and mind have to deal with in varying degrees - is that I had no idea what not being shit FELT like. 




It's a doozy. 




I'll try to explain. I knew being a nobody was terrible the way we all know death is terrible at a young age, but only when someone you love dies can you know how terrible if FEELS. 




Before I continue, I wanna say: don't misinterpret this as some sort of millennial everyone-gets-a-trophy generation whine about how hard it is to have set backs or not be special. I'm not a product of that kind of raising or thought process. My parents did not reward mediocrity and I've failed plenty before. I've also succeeded. That is what it is.




See, I'm not talking about seeking but not getting validation. I am talking about a sense of belonging, a feeling of "rightness" in your bones, just disappearing suddenly. I'm talking about something you absolutely love suddenly feeling "off." It's pretty damn scary. 




The first few times I went to mics here I did my quickest paced material. My thought was "I need to get as many punches in as I can" in the two or three minutes alloted. Some of it was my A material. It didn't "bomb" most of the time. But it didn't get much of a reaction. 


I was ok with this from the stage. As I said, I was truly prepared for not being shit. What I was not prepared for was coming OFF stage to no one making eye contact. I was not prepared for no one to start a conversation, suggest a tag, or at least give me the "better luck next time" shrug my friends back home gave me when I fell flat. It wasn't that no one thought I was funny. It wasn't that I felt unliked. It was that I felt like I wasn't even there. That had never happened to me in comedy.


I felt anonymous in a place, if I can call comedy a place, that I had felt the most at home at previously. That is frankly a terrifying prospect. Comedy had become my home and I had moved to New York to make a new one. 


Again I fear that someone reading this is hearing "no one liked me and that wasn't fair." That is NOT my point (though not being liked also sucks), I didn't expect adulation, getting booked automatically, or to make friends right away, but I took for granted that I would feel "home" there - at a mic, at a show, or posted up at the bar surrounded by other disgruntled poets, clowns, and psychos trying to mash our way through existence. Comedy was the only place I had ever felt comfortable in my own skin.



And then suddenly I didn't anymore. And so the fear set in. And the pain and anger and even bitterness (very) briefly. Most of it directed inwardly. Comedy was perfect - if I wasn't finding my place it was my fault.



And while I could write you a manifesto on how comics could be more supportive in this city, I'll spare you. One because that would be boring as hell and two because I was right. It was my fault. 


I was plugging away when I could, but I worked at night a lot. I simply couldn't get on mics. When my schedule became more friendly I hit it hard, but I went to the same places over and over again. I didn't spread a wide net, creating a stagnant experience. And I was getting discouraged. I was getting on stage scared, angry, or even worse - apathetically. 


If I reread that last paragraph I wrote my only honest thought is "fuck that guy." He's shitty. 

He didn't expect to be liked. He never dreamed he'd be booked on shows quickly. He didn't even want necessarily to make a bunch of new friends. But he thought he'd be respected automatically. He didn't think he'd be main-lined right to the top of the comedy world, but he thought be shown respect. 


Well, that dude, he ain't shit. And respect is earned. And, cliche or not, sometimes it has to be demanded. That guy avoided the trap of expecting everyone to like him, but he fell into the one where he just assumed they'd at least give a shit.


I have corrected that folly. I am remembering why I do this and as Maron says trying really hard to be, if nothing else, a comic "to be reckoned with." That's all. It's a really simple concept, but a really difficult process. 





CHRISTIANITY INC. TO SPLIT TIES WITH GOD 
 

Christianity  Inc. announced today that it will part ways with Founder and CEO, God, over what it calls “inconsistent and outdated” strategies.

The split, effective immediately, comes as a shock to many in the religious world as the infinity old leader and face of the company has been all but indistinguishable from the business. In many ways, God was Christianity, a company he was fond of saying he founded millennia ago “with nothing but three-hundred bucks and a dream. And infinite power.”

But some insiders have warned of the break-up for some time, saying it was inevitable as the deity refused to adapt to the times. Religious insider Bill Garret has reported on Christianity since the 1980s, and says never before have God’s outdated ways been more obvious. 

"A lot of folks on the board of Christianity wanted a fresh view, a new direction. And the book was a big problem, too. Really it was the main problem," he said.

The “book” referred to is, of course, God’s comprehensive guide to existence, “The Bible.” The centuries old collection of stories has been criticized as contradictory, pedantic, and inconsistent in the past. The real problem now though, says Garret, is that all the controversial themes that were perhaps ordinary when the Bible was first written, are now less accepted.

"Back then people just didn’t care if you were pro-slavery and wanted gays to die in horrible and abhorrent ways," says Garret.  "As a matter of fact when it first came out people were a lot more upset about all the love and forgiveness in it. See, the Romans liked violence. Things have changed a little." 

"And people hated women, too. So that part of it was cool," he added.

Indeed it does seem that time has caught up with the timeless One. Leading up to his firing, even God’s usual right-hand-man the Pope began distancing himself from the book, choosing to focus instead on it’s popular themes like love, and peace. 

"That was a real blow to God - professionally and personally," says Garret.  "I think He feels betrayed. I mean, if you can’t trust the Pope to use fear and anger as a way to motivate, I’m not sure you can trust anyone."

God did not respond to repeated requests to comment on these events. His secretary held a short press conference last night in which she stated that “God is planning to take a little time to reflect. He may start a new company that I can assure you will be successful, or He may just leave the Universe entirely for a little while. It’s been literally forever since He has done that.”

For its part, Christianity Inc. has said this it simply wants to move forward. “This is an exciting time here. We’re looking forward to going in a different direction with a new CEO,” their press release read. When pressed about the long history between God and the company and the obvious personal tension, a spokesperson said, "This is business. Not personal. God knows that - better than anyone."


The company has confirmed that Jesus Christ is tapped to step up to CEO and take control of Christianity’s many assets and properties. 

"Jesus’ work here at Christianity, Inc, is broad and obvious. I mean, the company is named after Him," a Christianity representative said. 

However,  God’s only biological son may not be up to the task. In an interview with TBN this morning, Jesus is reported to have said about the promotion, “I left that place years ago. How can I be promoted if I don’t work there? I have told them numerous times that I wanted nothing to do with what they’re doing there at Christianity, Inc. And it’s like they don’t even listen. It’s kind of crazy.” 

The Lord and Savior stated he may return to the company, but he’d like a more interactive role. “I just want people to love and be happy. I don’t want power. That’s why I need some time to find myself, really. I might head out West. Thought about the Peace Corps. I just don’t know.”

That uncertainty will surely spill over into Christianity. Regardless of who steps in, the void left by God is, well, pretty large. It will certainly be interesting to see how the company does with out Him as it moves forward in trying to cultivate souls and damn people to Hell. 

ARTICLES ABOUT CANCER LINKED TO CANCER
    
A new study out of Oxford this week has linked the rise of cancer in modern society to reading articles that link random things to cancer. 


    Professor Artimus Jones, PhD, headed up the study. He says that if his team’s research holds up, this will be a real break through in the field.


    “Right now it’s too early to say if there is definite causation, but most people don’t care about that,” he beamed.


    Articles about what is causing high rates of cancer have blamed a number of “ordinary” things recently, from microwaves, cellphones and other new technologies, to processed and/or genetically modified foods, and even irony. The tendency, says Professor Jones, has been to focus on “new objects or processes in the world, because, seemingly, cancer is something that was very rare as recently as thirty years ago.” 


    This line of thought may not be too far off, he says. His team set out to tackle the question of “why” in a unique way, however. “We noticed in our test subjects who have cancer, that many of them, often times against their will, kept being exposed to articles linking innocuous objects to cancer. This was every time, across the board.” 
  
  While the data have not been verified independently, the world of cancer research has taken notice. Dr. Billy Blade of Yale Medical School, whose own study linked lymphoma to the rise in the love of irony among young people in 2005, says it may be a game changer. 
   
 “I’m very taken aback, honestly. I thought my research was helpful, but it may have been the opposite,” he lamented. 
  
  “It’s almost like no one studying the root causes of cancer knows what they are talking about. It’s kind of soul crushing if you think about it.” He then stopped thinking about it. 
   
  Professor Jones feels strongly that these articles must stop, or cancer may continue to spread. “The problem with all these articles is that they simply take two close in time events - one always being the spike in cancer rates, and the other, a completely random change in society - and they draw a conclusion based on fear,” he said.
   
  He noted that social media and email, and what he calls “total and debilitating societal ignorance,” have caused these articles to disseminate more quickly than in the past.
  
  “It’s like fighting a snow storm with a flashlight, or maybe a lighter. I’m not good with analogies because I am in the lab a lot,” he said.
   
  The saddest aspect of the study is that Professor Jones has found a significantly lower - “30-45%” - rate of cancer in people who actually spread the articles than in those who are simply exposed to them.
    
  “You kind of hoped that people who send these uniformed piles of drivel would have some comeuppance. Unfortunately they almost never get cancer. But they totally deserve it.”
    
The study is due to be published next Fall. 

Seven Things Every Sociopath Secretly Has To Deal With


       Over the past few minutes, I’ve noticed a growing number of articles exclaiming “8 Ways to Help Shy People” or “10 Things Everyone Should Understand About Introverted Extroverts” and, while I have no real problem with these in theory, I do take issue with the fact that people of the internet seem to only care about people with feelings. 

      As an aspiring sociopath, I’m pretty sick and tired of people assuming that those of us withOUT feelings don’t have shit to deal with, too. It’s not easy out there for anyone. Here are a few things you may not know the sociopath in your life has to deal with:


1. Other people.
    They exist. Sociopaths hate them. There is no legal way to remedy this conflict, so we suffer. Some people give us things we need like sex and money, but most people are worthless and you can’t get away from them. Families, for example, are the worst. It is really hard to be happy with all you other people still being alive. 

2. Manipulating people is exhausting.
     Being a sociopath means it is morally easy for you to manipulate people, but boy is it tough otherwise. Some people possess a modicum of somewhat respectable intelligence, making them tough nuts to crack. However, most people are pathetic balls of insecure stupidity. Unfortunately, this makes them impossible to predict, and thus difficult to manipulate. It’s a real drag. 

3. People think you’re nice because you’re polite. 
    As a sociopath, you learn to be polite because being impolite gets you negative and unwanted attention. However, the positive unwanted attention you are giving me because I said “I’m good, how are you?” is just as horrible. It was a rhetorical question. I don’t care how you are. Shut the hell up, please. 

4. Everyone wants to do you all the time. Even dudes sometimes.
    Sociopaths have no inhibitions, because those require feelings. As mentioned, we don’t understand feelings. Uninhibited people get laid mad crazy son. Trust me. It’s cool at first, but then it’s all like “OK I get it, just suck it already and stop talking about your friends. Unless I can also have sex with them.” It’s pretty exhausting and almost nobody wants you to do their friends too. 

5. Your frontal lobe system is probably impaired.
     Seriously, mine’s real effed up. 

6. Indifference makes it hard to complete tasks. 
    Sociopaths cannot always see things through because they don’t give a single shit. Life is hard when you cannot finish things because you

Top 9 Reasons To Read This List Instead Of Having a Meaningful Experience

    Guys, this list is awesome. Well, it doesn’t actually create awe, but it’s pretty cool. Well, really it isn’t that cool. But it’s something to do. And that’s important.

    See folks, the world has gotten pretty boring. Because everything’s been done. You don’t have to go see for yourself. Just trust me. There’s nothing left to do. And lists are the best way to do nothing, because:

1. In terms of the next five minutes, it’s the best Idea you have.

    Sure you may plan to go to a concert next week, but for right now, this is all you got.

2. You don’t have to talk to other people to read this.

    Hell you can even use it as an excuse NOT to. On the train, at work, or while having dinner with your family, reading this prevents you from having to face the world on its own terms. You live on your terms. You don’t even have to leave your bed to read this. Isn’t that nice? That’s the best.

3. It’s easy.

    Lists are organized and designed to both flow easily and compartmentalize information - both of which allow for minimal engagement and/or effort from you. Hell yes that sounds healthy.

4. Lists reward your brain with dopamine.

    That’s just science. And everyone likes rewards. Even your brain. Be quite now brain, have some dopamine. Good brain, good. 


5. Real journalism or written thought is played out.

    Seriously, have you googled ANYTHING lately? It’s ALL been written. Monkeys typing into eternity DID produce the entire works of Shakespeare - and also various articles on the truth about 9-11, why gluten is bad, and countless grammatically obscene diatribes about haters. Now, lists are all that matter, because there is nothing new to create or learn. Now we just need to streamline what’s already there.

6. Because YOLO, guys.

    What does that even mean, you ask? Who cares? It’s a word that rhymes with itself. That is incredible.

7. Real life is disappointing.

    When is the last time your mind was blown? Exactly. Probably not since childhood. Maybe never. If a list disappoints you, you can easily find another one, no big deal. Lists are like the real world without all the pretense of “possibilities.”

8. Other people like lists.

    Because lists are great, folks will share and retweet them on social media. If someone does this to your post, it’s pretty validating. Validation feels good. Validation is all that matters. Whisper it to yourself in the mirror: (whisper voice) “validation.” Didn’t that feel soothing? It did? Good. Keep reading the list. Shhhh. It’s ok.

9. Lists require no emotional investment.

    And isn’t that what the internet was invented for? Hmmm? Isn’t it? Think about it. Keep thinking about it… Never mind don’t think about it. Shhhh. Don’t think about anything. The list is over now. Shhhh. Don’t dwell. Everything is fine.